so, i am usually someone who is fairly good at helping other people with their love / sex problems. what happens when i need guidance?

its the classic question of fidelity. I am completely, and totally against cheating. it is wrong,. and under no circumstances would i ever practice it myself, even with some of my past asshole ex's - who, as many of you can vouch for, i SHOULD have, and totally deserved a huge karmic kick in the ass.

but, now i'm with someone who appreciates me. loves me. gets me, without any desire to change the mess of insecurities, faults, eccentricities, and quirks that is me. somehow, every moment we have spent together has been full of the strangest coincidences , and impossible movie moments. Somehow, he knows me inside and out; this is someone who could be my very last first kiss. so frightening and thrilling, all at once.

And, just as quick as he came, now he's gone. Halfway across the world, exploring the globe, and we're hating every second apart. I've never felt so much myself as when i'm with him, and now i feel so lost ; even more so than when i was single, lonely, and confused.

The strange thing is... i feel like i'm still single. I don't think my mind had time to switch over to taken, couple mode before i had to become independent city girl again, and now I have some very, very cionflicted feelings.

This is the longest i've gone without sex in...well, about 5 years. since then, i've either been in a commited relationship (guaranteed sex with one person), single (the guaranteed option to sleep with anyone i want), or an open relationship (lots of sex, with anybody i want, and no commitment.). So, needless to say, I'm getting really antsy. Not that i can't take care of myself perfectly well, but there is a certain niche that needs to be filled by a real person. 

And, so i've discovered, all over again, just how insanely attractive i can find the opposite sex. Its extremely frustrating. There is absolutely no gratification to meeting, being attracted to, or even looking fondly at a very hot, cute, charming young man, if you know you will never, ever, under any circumstances, be able tto even touch him. EVER. Also, in my life i have been ridiculously deprived of experiences of any kind with such guys; i tend to sell myself short. Now that i realize that I am a sexy, intelligent, funny young woman who can get any man she wants...i feel somewhat shortchanged sexually, i deserve eye candy...and yet, of course, all i am faced with is a world full of no.

Just recently, i was presented with such an opportunity, with such a boy, and found it nearly impossible to resist. It really made me realize what i miss the most about my boy, and the opposite sex in general;

touch. contact. the reassurance of a hug, a gentle caress, cuddling, spooning, falling asleep with someone curled around you, your bodies perfectly aligned and entwined with each other. There is absolutely no replacement for that feeling. 

In our society, we are so removed from people, and personal contact of most kinds have been replaced in favor of things more convenient (i.e, messaging, e-mail, blogs...ironic, lol) or simply, less likely to hurt in the end. People are so uncomfortable with their bodies, and our personal bubbles have grown to the point where a simple stiff handshake will now suffice where a bear hug would have been the only thing appropriate a few years ago. Is it growing older, and associating growing up with growing apart? is is technology, somehow instilling the thought that talking face to face and expressing youself physically is somehow uncivilized and therefore less acceptable?

I've decided to try and touch people more. Its been scientifically proven that physical contact, whether it be with animals like pets  (not bestiality, thats VERY different), or the social customs of people in europe, where a kiss on both cheeks is a standard greeting, is in fact beneficial to your health.

So screw sociatal expectations and rules. if i can't get laid, i'm going to invade as many peoples personal space as possible, hopefully extending their life expectancy, as well as breaking down some emotional barriers. 

wow, is that really my conclusion to this whole thing? 

holy crap.

Current Location: love / lust limbo
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge